Friendship

Let’s start off with the fact that I am just not good with people. I’m quiet, awkward, and kinda weird. At first people may think I’m creepy or just odd. But really, I am just an awkward person who has little to no social skills when it comes to meeting people. Now, for the people I already know..I’m a freak of nature (but in a good way, I think). I care about my friends. A LOT. I don’t really invest my time in a lot of people because it always ends the same way. I may not communicate well or something or they tick me off sometimes and then the friendship just…ends. This has happened a lot, and I will admit – I am NOT the greatest friend in the world. I make a lot of mistakes and I’m possibly a tad bit clingy. That’s because I hate being alone. Like…I’m deathly afraid of being completely alone someday. So I because friends with someone, and then I fuck it up. Happens every time. I’m trying to be better, I really am. How do you know when to walk away though? How do you know that the neglect from a friend is overpowering the love you have for them. And what if you don’t agree with the way they do a lot of things. Maybe even the way they act. Then I sit here and wonder..how did we become friends in the first place? Did I change? Did they change? I have no idea. I’m so lost. I feel like a 30 year old, and I can’t seem to find more then just one or two friends who can give me the love and attention I need. God, I sound like a baby..or a puppy. We all need it though, love and appreciation. I don’t always feel that from my friends. But I love them so much..sometimes I don’t talk to any of them for a few days and I ignore everything because I am having a pity party. Oy. I’m having one right now. I’m sad. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I hate it. I hate not knowing what I am doing. I hate not knowing if someone really still cares about me or if they are just pulling my leg. UGH. I know this has been a pointless rant and I am sorry, but trust me – this is better then me ranting about politics – WHICH I HATE. Meh. Goodnight all. ❤

My True Buddy!

Insecurities

Today, so far, has been “one of those days”. Not the normal sort for me though, normally I get annoyed with every little thing, I get really depressed, and tired. I usually hide around in my room all day. But today is different.

Today, I avoid the mirrors. Some of you might confused, so let me explain. I’m not the kind of person to search out mirrors, nor do I avoid them all that much. I care about my appearance, but I’m not too into myself. But, when I looked at myself good and hard into the large mirror, I was..not happy, grossed out, pissed, and I honestly wanted to cry. All I saw were things I didn’t like, and this isn’t normal behavior for me, but as I stated earlier, I don’t really look too hard or too long. Usually. I looked, well stared at myself for 5 whole minutes. I realized how much I don’t love the way I look. I hate my scars all over my face, I hate how my collar one sticks out, how small my ta-tas look, how bony my spine is, and how much my hips jut out. And I realized, a lot of that I can do something about.

So, off I go on my adventure to better myself, for myself. Who knows what it will bring, but I sure hope happiness is mixed in there somewhere!